Confessions of a SmileyFreak :)

Yesterday I happened to have my camera with me, and after praise team practice I decided to take pictures of some of the flowers in the flowerbed outside of my church.

With the abundance of rain we’ve had lately, everything is so green and there are wildflowers blooming all over. It really is a beautiful sight, especially after the last several years of drought conditions, where the late spring and summer were hot and the grass was brown and dry.

It is a time of rejuvenation. And a time to rejoice in God’s beauty around us.

Bring rivers in this wasteland
Clouds into this sky
Bring springs of life into the wells that have been run dry

Rise up in this city
Gather in this light
Fall down on your people
Your glory and your life

Rain
Lord we thirst for water
Rain
We are desert Land
Rain
On your sons and daughters
Rain
Bring your rain again

-Rain Song by Day of Fire

I’m sitting here listening to the rain, and I’m reminded of how refreshing it is. It never fails that the dead brown of West Texas turns green and grows a foot taller after a good rain.

Sometimes we need God’s rain. Sometimes our souls are thirsty, and the only thing that can refresh us is the raining down of God’s grace and strength. Especially when our spiritual wells have run dry.

Perhaps this is why I love a rainstorm so much. It reminds me that the dry spells don’t last forever. Eventually the rains come, clean the air, and revive the land.

Sometimes I really think that I have a hard time understanding, or maybe that I can’t understand, the love of my heavenly Father.

I grew up from the age of eight essentially without my father in my life. He could have easily been a part of my life, but for whatever reason, he chose not to be. Because of this, I think that the whole idea of a Father’s love can be hard for me to grasp. I haven’t experienced that here on earth, and that makes it hard to relate to, and at times I find myself intellectualizing God’s love for me and not really feeling it, and not really being open to feeling it.

That’s not to say that I’ve never felt God’s love—I have—it’s just been a while. And perhaps that is of my own doing.

Sometimes I have to sit down and be brutally honest with myself, and the brutal honest truth is that I suck at being a Christian. I consistently act selfish and prideful and greedy, and I fail miserably at being the perfectly good Christian woman that somehow some people seem to think I am. I am a complete and utter failure at this whole thing of “acting the part” of being a Jesus Freak. And it is completely my fault, because I get prideful and think I know what’s up, and forget that I’m not supposed to be in control.

It’s time to stop, reflect, study, pray, and let God make his amendments in my life. Instead of feeling guilt and shame for not living up to supposed expectations, and trying to control my behavior and my life to fit a mold, I need to let God be in control.

Yet that is so very hard to do.

I used to be a girl who bought into all of the worldly stuff, thinking that I should just do whatever was trend. I thought that I should be like other girls, and dress the way they did. I thought I should have boyfriends like they did, and when I didn’t, I thought there was something wrong with me. But there was a bigger purpose to that, and even though I wasn’t paying enough attention to realize it, God’s hand was all over that.

Our culture places so much emphasis on romantic relationships, and has skewed what love is and has ignored what God would have for us in relationships.

I wanted for so long to hurry up and find “the one” who I would marry. All my friends and acquaintances were getting married. So why didn’t I even have a boyfriend? I thought there was something wrong with me. People told me to start looking hard, or I might be a spinster. People advised that I should live with whomever, that I should date a lot, and “experience” (whatever that means) a lot of guys before I settled down.

A couple of years ago, I decided that it was time for me to give up on me trying to find Mr. Right, and just let God handle it. As soon as I did that, I suddenly had this peace about it, and it felt like God was saying to me, “When I’m ready, I’ll put you together with the man you are supposed to spend your life with. In the mean time…”

The mean time has been a time of growth for me, and I honestly think that if I was married two or three years ago, that I would be getting divorced at this moment. I didn’t have much to offer in a relationship. I was too guarded with my emotions, and I had some things I hadn’t dealt with yet. And I still do. It’s a daily process, which, with time and the grace of God, heals my brokenness and prepares me to be the wife that He would have me to be.

That doesn’t mean that the desire for a relationship isn’t there, it just means that I know God knows my heart, He knows most of all what I need, and when I need it. And when the time comes, everything will happen in the most brilliantly perfect way because it will be the love story that God has written, and not the fairy tale that I wished for through my youth.

Through my struggles I have discovered that true freedom comes through the surrender of our will, and our genuine obedience to God. If we give our lives fully to Him, then, and only then, can we truly have the ultimate freedom–the freedom from our sin, that was bought by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, who took upon Himself our sins, and died for us. He took the blame for us, and got the punishment that we each deserve for all of the stuff we’ve done.

I know I don’t deserve His grace and love, but He gives it to me even though I’m a fully flawed human being. And that is what is truly awe-inspiring about our Father.

And He loves you too. More than you could ever imagine.

Sometimes I can forget that though I am a human who does stupid stuff, and generally makes a mess of things when left to my own devices, that I’m still washed by His grace. I forget that grace is enough. I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to trust in His Word. I have to believe that forgiveness comes through my humble request of it, not through my constant striving for moral perfection.

According to the book of Ephesians, when we believe, we receive the inheritance of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is our guide. When we read the Word, the Spirit is there, guiding us, helping us understand what it is we are supposed to learn. The Spirit is there when we lift our voices in praise to our God. And he’s there every day of our life, in us. He’s that voice that says, “Are you sure you want to do that?” or “You should help that person over there. They need someone to talk to.”

This inheritance is a glorious thing; yet at the same time, we are trusted with one overall responsibility when we become disciples of Christ—that of going into the world and introducing people to Christ through the way in which we live our lives. We become Jesus through serving, not being served; loving, when people are unlovable; forgiving the unforgivable.

Do people see Jesus in you? Are you striving to live a life that is less about “me” and more about your Creator? Are you listening to what the Spirit is trying to tell you in your everyday life?

I ask myself these questions. I wonder what people see when they look at me. I wonder if I am a reflection of God’s unfailing love.

Something to think about.

Last week was VBS, and I was the director.

Did I see God last week? You betcha. I saw Him in the faces of those kids as they sang songs. I saw Him in the actions of those who helped with the various activities. I saw Him in the faces of the two little girls who got baptized this morning. He was very much present in every part of it.

To be totally honest, for the last several months, I’ve felt like my head hasn’t been screwed on right. Not only because I have had a lot to do, but because I’ve maybe been over-thinking my life’s direction a bit. I’ve been feeling really inadequate and mediocre.

Sometimes I have feelings about things, and I can’t explain why they are there, or why I feel them. Lately, as in the past few months, I’ve just had this extreme feeling of frustration with myself. I’ve had no drive. I’ve been questioning myself on all fronts. My priorities, my attitude, and my dedication have all been put under the microscope in my own mind. And it seems like all I’m left with is the why, how, what, when and where, and unseen answers that I know exist somewhere, but I can’t seem to find.

So what did I learn this week at VBS, aside from the fact that I can fit 30 large pizzas in the back seat of my Volkswagen Beetle?

I learned that I need to learn to lean on the people around me, and that I can’t do everything on my own. I learned that if I give up control to God, and not worry about certain things, that He’ll make magnificent creations from broken pieces. I’ve learned that things I thought I’d taken care of and dealt with, are still there, being used to make me stumble, and that I’m going to have to fight hard to keep from being defeated by them. I’ve learned there is a good kind of tired. I’ve learned that I’m weaker, yet stronger, than I thought I was. God taught me this week that He will make a way. When volunteers are scarce, He’ll multiply their effectiveness, like He did on a hill one day, multiplying the bread and fishes to feed a multitude.

Now, I feel like I’m getting somewhere. And I’m more confident than I have been in a long while about the awesomeness of the place I’m going.

Have you ever felt absolutely filthy in the sight of God? I have. And just like every other person in this world, I struggle daily with the sin that is the filth that covers my flesh.

I have days where I feel like I’m dragging, and all the thoughts are focused on the doubt of my calling, how I am not “Christian” enough, not Godly enough, to be the leader that God has called me to be, and that my gifts and talents have been made useless by my own weakness and willingness to give in to temptation, anger, and sin. That voice of deceptions tells me, “You’re no example. What are you doing up there ‘serving the Lord?’ You’re never going to be good enough.” And sometimes I believe it.

But then, there is always some small reminder that puts me back in focus, and gives me the proper perspective.

I sang at church on Sunday, and that morning I was feeling really down on myself. I was wondering how I was going to sing there’s only grace, there’s only love, there’s only mercy, and believe me it’s enough with any sort of conviction.

As the music began, I prayed, “Lord, just please help me. Give me peace.”

I sang the words, and at the end of the song realized that God had given me a gift through that song, and that those lyrics were speaking to me in that moment, to what was in my heart.

Wow. I didn’t expect that.

God never changes. He always forgives. He always shows love, mercy, and grace to us. And that’s enough to wash away even the most disgusting filth we could ever get ourselves into. Even if it’s for the hundredth time.

Only Grace by Matthew West

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy and believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

You’re starting over now
Under the sun
You’re stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy and believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy and believe me it’s enough, it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

There’s only mercy and believe me it’s enough, it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

so get back up, get back up again
get back up again

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn’t even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

‘Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn’t ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Chorus

Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from
And the things I’ve left behind
But of all I’ve had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what’s in front of me
With what’s in front of me

-Mountain of God by Third Day

There have been plenty of times in my life when I’ve felt “broken and afraid.” And even though I didn’t realize it at the time, God was there throughout the whole thing, because looking back I can see his big ol’ footsteps in the sand. He was there guiding me, carrying me. I know there were times when I was lost, and He was there, though I couldn’t feel Him.

I heard a sermon recently, and in it the speaker was talking about mountaintop experiences, and going through the valley after them. He explained that there were different ways of looking at a valley experience—you can be in the moment, looking at the valley, and wondering where the way is outta there, or you can look to that next mountaintop, and move toward it. It’s all a matter of attitude and perspective. We can choose to wallow in our pain, soak in our despair, or we can say, “This is hard, but things will be better. God will You help me?”

But still, so often when we are going through something, we’ll say, “If I only had this, things would be better.” I have been guilty of that myself. But slowly I’ve begun to realize that all of the things that I think I need are nothing, and that the only thing I need is God. He’s more than enough.

Jesus came and paved a way for us. It’s not the easiest road to walk sometimes, but ultimately through perseverance and faith, we’ll see that splendor in front of us. We’ll feel that grace and love and might live and in person. How awesome will that be? Won’t it make all of the struggles worth it?